Over the past few months, I have noticed that people are a little uncomfortable when they are around me. I have probably made it worse by what I said in a few of my entries. I didn't write what I did to make you feel bad or to make you worry about what you should say. I'm just trying my best to share my feelings and emotions during this time of sorrow. The only way that I can make sense out of this is to use this as a teaching experience. It is my hope that what I share will help you to minister to someone down the road.

Right now I'm struggling with my identity. For four and a half years I was Keith's wife. Before that, I was Keith's girlfriend. Keith has been part of my life for six years. It is hard to know where to go from here. It is hard to know who to be. Keith was always more outgoing than me. It is so hard to face the fact that I'm alone again. It is hard to know that I will have to walk into places like bible class and other activities where children aren't around without him. So many things are different.

When I'm talking to someone and I sense that they are uncomfortable, I often wish that I could do something to ease his/her discomfort. The truth is that I just don't have the energy. Please know that I'm doing my best. It's hard to know what to talk about. Unfortunately, much of my life revolves around Keith's death these days. Either I'm taking care of some business matter or I'm working on the house that I have to sell because Keith died. I just don't think many people want to hear about how I sorted through Keith's things or talked to a lawyer or sat and cried over old letters that Keith wrote. So many times I am silent.

It is also hard to see life moving on. When Keith was diagnosed with cancer the first time, I remember thinking that everything should stop. Though our life was forever shattered, everyone else went along with their business. People went to work. People went to the grocery store. Life went on. I have a hard time thinking about moving and going back to work. I have a hard time thinking about going on without Keith. I know that I must, but it is one of the most difficult experiences that I have endured.

I ask that you pray for Keith's family. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in my own grief. They are missing him too! I also ask that you pray for my relationship with them. They have all been so good to Lincoln and me. I'm not complaining at all, but Keith was always my link to them. Now that link is missing, and we are having to learn how to close the gap. The fact that they are so far away makes it hard, but my prayer is that our relationship will be strengthened and that they will play an active role in our lives.