Keith slept almost the whole day yesterday. He rarely talks. When he does it usually doesn't make sense or it is a mumble. He has trouble swallowing water. He gets really choked up when he swallows, so we switched to liquid pain medicine last night. We are doing our best to keep him comfortable.

There was one bright moment in the day yesterday. Keith held his arms out and told me to "come here." He gave me a great big hug. For that one moment, "my Keith" was with me. I will treasure that memory the rest of my days.

The hospice nurse came today, and she said she doesn't expect Keith to live through the weekend. Keith's parents and I are starting to make some memorial/ funeral plans. We would like some stories to share about Keith. If you have a story that you think would be appropriate to share in our celebration of Keith's life, please e-mail me at ksmccord@geusnet.com.

I don't have much free time to think about the future these days, but every once in a while I wonder what I should do after Keith dies. I don't know anyone who has lost a spouse at a young age. If any of you know of someone who experienced something similar to us, I would love to talk to that person! You are welcome to give them my e-mail address. It is ksmccord@geusnet.com.

I just got back from eating dinner with a bunch of friends from our old church. I have to admit that it was nice to get out of the house for a while. I find that it is hard to leave because I worry that something will happen while I am gone. At the same time, I know that I must get out every once in a while. I'm so thankful for all those wonderful girls who came to spend time with me tonight!

No news to report in regards to Keith. He seems to be stable. I don't understand why God hasn't taken him home. He is ready, and so are we. It's not that I'm eager for him to die. I'm not. But the man in that bed isn't "my Keith." Though his body is there, the rest of him seems to slowly drift away.

On a lighter note, Keith has said some pretty funny things thanks to the drugs he is taking. Here are a few:
-Keith's friends commented about how nice his hospital bed was. Keith responded, "It has its ups and downs."
-Keith informed us that he was drinking the "water of wisdom" the other night. He said it was very powerful, and you have to be careful not to drink too much.
-When one of the hospice nurses was at our house, she commented about Lincoln. For some reason Keith thought she was talking about our dog, and he said, "We're thinking about getting rid of him."

Often when Keith wakes up, his first question is "Am I dead?" It is so hard to see him like this. He is so ready to go home. Today he seemed more at peace. My prayer is that God will grant Keith's wish and take him home.

Though I admit that I'm not ready to lose him, I am so tired of seeing him suffer. I hate watching him get weaker by the day. I hate seeing him so drugged that he can't carry on a conversation. I hate so many things about all of this.

I already miss Keith, and he isn't even gone yet. Just the other night, something happened and I thought "I can't wait to tell Keith." I miss having meaningful conversations with him. I miss cuddling on the couch. I miss laughing with him. I even miss fighting with him-as crazy as that sounds. I just miss him a whole lot!

Today was a hard day. We had to watch Keith's brother and sister in law and two of Keith's childhood friends say goodbye to Keith. There have been plenty of tears shed in our house tonight. It gives me a glimpse into how difficult the memorial and funeral will be. (FYI-We will have a memorial here, and Keith will be buried in Tennessee.)

Keith is doing about the same. He sleeps a lot. Every once in a while, he will talk. Sometimes it makes sense, and sometimes it doesn't. He seems to be anxious about dying. He dreamed that he wasn't going to get to heaven because his faith wasn't strong enough. Keith has endured so much. He has remained faithful to the Lord. Please pray that he will be at peace.

Keith did better yesterday. He was more alert and talkative. His family arrived yesterday, so I'm sure that played a role in how he felt. He even told everyone at one point to leave him alone.

Mom and I went shopping for a little while yesterday. I needed a dress for the funeral. It wasn't the most enjoyable shopping trip, but it was good to get out of the house for a while. I ask that you pray that God will grant me the strength to endure. I am so tired. It has been a long 6 months.

I once sang a small solo in a high school choir performance. The words popped into my head while I was up with Keith last night.

Letting go
When the day comes that I must say goodbye to you
It's the last thing in life I ever want to do
I know it has to be
But it's so hard for me

I know I need to tell Keith that it is alright for him to pass on. I've held off because his parents and brother are coming to see him today. I know that he is fighting for Lincoln and me. In one of his better moments yesterday he said that he didn't want to leave us. Pray that God will grant me the strength to assure Keith that we are going to be okay without him.

A nurse came to check on Keith today. She said that he doesn't have much longer. His coloring isn't good, and his breathing is irregular. I just can't believe how quickly Keith has gone downhill. In a way, I'm grateful because I hate to see him suffering. My mind knows that he will be better off, but my heart isn't there yet.

Keith's family is going to come down. Pray that they will have the chance to say goodbye to Keith. Pray that God will bless them with safe travels.

FYI- I'm going to write updates under the request for stories for a few days. I don't know how often people check the blog, and I want to make sure that as many people as possible have the opportunity to share stories with us.

We have a request for all you "loyal blog readers" out there. If you know Keith, we ask that you think about your memories of him and share a few with us. We're looking for stories that will provide Lincoln with a glimpse of what his father was like. Our goal is to compile all the stories and create a book for Lincoln, so please write the story as if you are telling it to Lincoln. If possible, please include the year with each memory. You can e-mail your stories as a word document titled "memories." Our e-mail address is ksmccord@geusnet.com

Nov. 22
It looks like I probably won't have to have surgery. I won't know for sure until I see the specialist on the 6th. My doctor called and said that my results were pointing toward an autoimmune dissorder. I looked it up on the internet-what did we do before we had the internet? Often they give you medicine to "kill" your thyroid. Like I said, I will know more in a few weeks.

We are busy preparing for Thanksgiving. There will be 10 people at our house tomorrow, counting Lincoln. My mom's mom and my dad's parents are going to meet Lincoln for the first time. One of my cousins and her husband are also coming. Poor Lincoln, he isn't going to get any attention!! : )


Nov. 21
We are still working to adjust Keith's medicine. His pain seems to be under control. We are still working on the nausea. He has slept quite a bit today. Hopefully he will sleep tonight too! It's funny, Lincoln is sleeping through the night-now it's Keith who is waking me up. : )

We've had quite a day. Keith's doctor wanted to see him for a follow up visit. This was the first time for us to use the wheelchair. Everything went well until it was time to fold up the wheelchair and get it back into the trunk. We couldn't figure out how to fold it up. I ended up going back into the hospital and asking for help.

Keith's hospice nurse came today. We will have the same person during business hours. If we need a nurse at night or on the weekends, we will get whoever is on call. She seems very nice.

I found out today that my thyroid level is high. I had an ultrasound done today, and I have an appointment with a specialist in Dec. The worst case scenario is that I may have to have surgery. Please pray that surgery is not necessary. As you can well imagine, this is the last thing that we need right now!!!

Today has been an eventful day. One of the hospice nurses came to see Keith today. She got him some new pain meds, and they were even delivered to our house. I can't tell you how wonderful that was! A hospital bed, wheelchair, and various other things were also delivered to the house. I think Keith will be much more comfortable now that he has a new bed and new meds.

We went ahead and signed Keith up for Hospice last night. (When I think of Hospice, I think of the services that they provide during someone's last days. Only God knows when Keith will pass on, but I do not think he is near death at this point.) They will be able to get Keith more pain meds, so that we don't have to make a special trip to get the prescription from his oncologist. They can take blood at home for Keith's labwork, so that he doesn't have to go to the hospital. They can provide us with any equipment that we may need-hospital bed, wheelchair, etc. As Keith's conditions worsens, they will be able to take care of other needs that we may have.

I can't tell you how hard it was to sign him up last night. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would be facing this situation at 29 years old. But we're here, so I'm dealing with it the best I can.

On a more fun note, today Lincoln is 6 months old. I think we may throw him a little party today. There is no guarantee that Keith will be here for his birthday, so we are going to make this a special day.

My mom took Keith to the hospital this morning. He was having a complication due to his pain medicines. While he was there, they did blood work. His levels were low, so they wanted him to get a blood transfusion. Keith will be staying in the hospital overnight. If everything goes well, he should be able to come home tomorrow.

We found out today that Keith does not qualify for any of the clinical trials. His doctor did say that there are some pills that Keith could try. They would not cure him, but they might cause the cancer to shrink and prolong his life. Please pray that God will grant us wisdom as we make decisions regarding Keith's treatment.

FYI- Keith did not get a MRI today. We decided to cancel it because it doesn't really matter whether or not the radiation worked at this poing.

Keith heard back from the doctor, and he does not qualify for two of the trials. There is still one more trial that the doctor is looking into. It looks as if we may be at the end of the road in regards to Keith's treatments. Pray for us as we come to accept this. Pray that we will be able to make many wonderful memories in the time that is left.

Keith had a rough night/morning. He has been in a lot of pain. He called the doctor, and the doctor said that he could up his pain medicine. He seems to be doing better this afternoon.

Please pray for us as we make decisions regarding Keith's treatment. Though I am not ready to let him go, I don't want to prolong his suffering. I ask that you also pray for Keith's family. I know it is hard on them to be so far away.

We didn't get good news today. The tumor in Keith's spleen grew quite a bit. Some of the other tumors grew as well. We are not going to continue with the chemo. Keith's oncologist is going to do some research and see if there are any clinical trials that Keith would qualify for.

Keith is having a hard time with the news. He told me tonight that the worst part of all this isn't that he has to suffer. He said he would be glad to suffer. The worst part for him is watching the people who love him suffer.

I'm having a hard time too. I wanted to hear good news today. I know that so many people are praying for Keith's healing. I know that God has the power to heal Keith. I just don't understand why God isn't answering our prayers.

Lincoln and I made it in the paper!

This picture was printed in our local newspaper, The Herald Banner, on Sunday. One of the moms in our play group has a bit of a connection-her mom works for the paper. : ) The caption says, "Stephanie McCord and her 5-month old son, Lincoln, are all smiles as they play at a local park."

Tomorrow is the big day. We have to be at Baylor at 9:40. Keith will drink a delicious "shake," and then we will wait about an hour before they can do the ct scan. Once the scan is complete, we will go see his oncologist. Please pray that the tumors are responding and that there are not any new growths. Pray that God will grant Keith's doctors with the knowledge and wisdom that they need in order to treat Keith. Pray that God will grant us wisdom as we make decisions regarding Keith's treatment.

I haven't been good about writing this week. Keith's blood work looked good. He has been feeling about the same. We're both anxious about next week. Please be praying for us. We hope to hear good news. Pray that regardless of the news, we will feel God's presence.

This week I have been busy trying to help teach Lincoln to get himself to sleep. It has been a rough week to say the least. We seem to be making progress, and that is a GOOD thing!

This is Keith and his friend who came to visit.






















Here is Lincoln performing his latest trick. He is still a little wobbly. He usually falls over anytime he reaches out for a toy.

It has been a few days since I wrote something. There really isn't any news to report. Keith is feeling about the same. He did get to have that one day last week when he felt really good. He hasn't felt that good since. He's not at his best, but he's not at his worst either.

His spirits seem to be better thanks to a visit from an old friend. Whenever friends come to visit, I get a glimpse of the "old Keith." I really miss that guy.

Keith had a great day yesterday. It is so good to see him feeling good again! I know that having Brad around has lifted his spirits. They played games most of the day and even went out to eat for lunch.

As I am typing, Lincoln is sitting in my lap. He just spit up all over himself and me. I guess that is his way of saying, "Hey, tell them something about me too!" He is doing great. He is eating like a pro. His favorite foods are cereal and sweet potatoes. Lincoln has also eaten squash and carrots. I guess we will start on the green stuff next. I'm afraid Max, the dog, has also had a few samples of baby food. I usually feed Lincoln in the bouncer, so he is at a perfect licking level for Max. Lincoln doesn't seem to mind as much as I do. He just sits and smiles.

First of all, I want to let you know how much we appreciate your prayers. It is amazing to see God work. Just this morning I wrote about how bad Keith has been feeling. He had a better day today. Though I wouldn't say today qualified as a "good day," it is an improvement. : )

One of Keith's friends from college is flying in tomorrow. Please pray that Brad will have a safe flight. Also pray that Keith's spirits will be lifted by this visit. I know he is looking forward to spending time with an old friend.

No big news to report. Keith had a rough day on Monday. Yesterday was a little better.

We're both pretty discouraged right now. I can't remember the last time that he actually felt good. We were talking last night and he said that he is so tired of feeling bad. I ask that you pray that God will guard our thoughts. It is so easy to worry and focus on the negative. Please pray that God will also grant Keith some relief from all of this. He is so worn out from all of this. He needs some good days so he can remember what he is fighting for.