A few months ago, I was really trying to get into the habit of praying with Lincoln before I put him to bed. Of course I was praying for Lincoln. Our prayer always started like this: "Dear God, Thank you for Dad. We pray that you will heal him. We pray that he can stay here so that he can help raise me and teach me about you." With everything that is going on, I have gotten out of that habit. The other night I remembered that we needed to pray. I started to begin the prayer like I did in the past, and then I realized that our prayer must change. I ask that you pray for me. I am not in a place right now where I can thank God for taking away my son's father.

I also ask that you will pray that I will make a place for quiet time in my day. It is so easy to get busy. Between taking care of Lincoln, getting everything in order in regarding to Keith's death, and working on the house, I just don't have much spare time. I know this time is important. I know that I need it.

On a lighter note, we have some guests living in the backyard. They are unwanted to say the least. I saw two rats in our shed the other day. (For those of you who don't know me, I'm a girly girl. I don't "do rodents." )I went to the shed to get some paint. When I opened the doors, I saw something dash across the floor and escape down a hole. Then I saw another one up on a shelf. I banged on the doors several times hoping to frighten the nasty creature. It remained on the shelf, so I stood outside the shed and waited until I spotted the cans I needed. Then I quickly ran in and grabbed the cans. Just thinking about it makes me shiver. AHHHHH! My dad put some traps in the shed today. Hopefully they will take care of these annoying guests.

I'm happy to say that I found the folder I was looking for. I guess I'm not losing my mind afterall.

I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! I have misplaced something for the second time since we got back from Keith's funeral. It is driving me crazy! First, I couldn't find an address that I needed for a thank you note. Now I can't find some papers regarding our house. I can't stand it when I lose something. I'm sure it will turn up with time, but in the meantime I feel like I'm going crazy.

In other news, Lincoln has been scooting backwards for the past few days. I think he really wants to go forward, but he is still working on figuring that out. He is almost about to cut his first tooth too. That's some exciting news for a little boy!

A few people have inquired about donating money to Lincoln's college fund. If you are interested, you can make the check payable to Lincoln McCord. Please write 488000087658 in the memo line of the check. You can mail the check to Bank of America.

Bank of America
5903 Wesley Street
Greenville, TX 75402

Please do not feel that you have to donate money. Many of you have already been so generous! If you do choose to make a donation, please accept my grattitude. I do not think that I will have the opportunity to know who has given money, so I will be unable to write a note of appreciation. Thank you in advance for your kindness!

I find that I accept (maybe acknowledge would be a better word) Keith's death a little more each day. The other day, Keith's boss brought over several boxes of things that Keith had up at work. Though it was nice and even a bit interesting to see what belongings were at work, it was hard to look through the boxes. It seemed so final. Keith will never go back to work again. I had another realization yesterday as mom, Lincoln, and I were driving home from running errands. As I was driving, I could almost convice myself that Keith would be sitting at the computer playing a game when we arrived home. Keith will never be sitting at the computer when I come home. It is hard to accept the fact that I don't have anyone to come home to anymore. I guess I do have Lincoln. He is usually with me, so we both get to come home to an empty house.

On another note, I got the information from cobra yesterday. It is going to be about $1000 a month for Lincoln and I to be insured through them. This is just another stress on top of many. Please pray that I will trust God to take care of this.

Today has been a big day for Lincoln! He pulled up to a standing position after I put him in his crib. He is also starting to get into the "crawling position." Man that boy wants to move! I'm not quite as excited as he is about him becoming mobile. Maybe he'll help me shed the rest of my baby weight as I chase after him all day long. : )

I couldn't help but think about what this Christmas should have been like before going to sleep last night. After putting Lincon to bed, Keith and I should have put together the last of Lincoln's toys. (Keith was always better at putting things together.) On Christmas morning, we would have opened presents. Keith would have gotten the new Superman movie and probably a game and a few books. But there are no presents for Keith this year.

Keith's favorite things about Christmas were getting together with family and opening presents. Today as our family gathers together to celebrate this special day, someone is missing. Though I will try my best to make this a happy day for Lincoln, it is impossible for me to keep my thoughts away from that special person. I love you Keith!

My house is a mess right now. I don't mean it is a little messy. It is really a mess! I don't know about you, but the state of my house reflects my life. If things are going smoothly, the house is fairly picked up. If things aren't going so well, I start letting things pile up. I've started going through Keith's things, so that is contributing to some of the mess. Keith wouldn't mind me blaming some of the mess on him. A clean house was never his top priority. I will say that it's not at the top of my list now either. :)

Lincoln has been such a precious gift! I can't even begin to tell you how much I love him. He looks so much like Keith. He has his daddy's grin, and he flashes it countless time throughout the day. I can honestly say that he has kept me going through all of this. I get up out of bed each morning for him. I take care of myself so that I can take care of him. I can't imagine my life without my little man.

When we found out that Keith's cancer was back in May, I was nine months pregnant. We were both devistated with the news. For one fleeting, moment I wished that I wasn't pregnant. I just didn't understand why God would give us a baby, and then take his dad away. But in the first few moments after Keith's death, I began to catch a glimpse into God's plan. As hard as it was to watch Keith pass away, being able to hold Lincoln in my arms was a tremendous comfort. Each day I get to hold a little piece of Keith in my arms. Thank you God for such a wonderful blessing!

I ran to Wal-mart this morning to pick up a few things. I decided to stop by the toy section and get Lincoln a few things for Christmas. When I went down the aisle with toys appropriate for his age, I found that they did not have any of the toys I wanted to get him. I almost had a breakdown in the store. Here it is almost Christmas, and I didn't have a single toy for my precious boy. Luckily, I found something else, so that crisis is solved.

Today I was reading through some papers from social security, and one phrase really stuck out. "Marriage terminated due to death." It is weird to think that I'm not married anymore. In my heart I am. I still wear my ring. It just doesn't feel right to mark "widow" on forms. I doubt it ever will.

I'm not as emotional about all of this as I thought I would be. Throughout the day there are constant reminders of Keith. I see his clothes in the closet. I see his car in the driveway. I see his messy desk. Though these reminders make me sad, I'm not sad for long because a picture of Keith comes into my head. I wish that I could say that I picture Keith when he was healthy and feeling good, but this is not the case. When I think of Keith, I picture him in his last days. He's laying in the hospital bed. He's hurting and so tired of fighting. I'm not sad for long because I know without a doubt that he is in a better place. Though I miss him terribly, I am so grateful that he did not have to suffer long. I am so glad that he is in a place where he will never have to see the doctor or hear bad news.

The endocrinologist determined that I have Graves' disease. My thyroid absorbed 79% of the iodine from the pill they gave me yesterday. There are two treatment options. You can take antithyroid drugs or have your thyroid "killed." The antithyroid drugs are only about 20% effective, and I am allergic to the medicine that they usually give. He suggested that we go ahead and "kill" my thyroid.

I took the pill this afternoon. It was interesting to see how the pill was packaged. First, the nurse opened a metal box that was sealed shut. Then the nurse took out a metal canister. Inside the canister was another container with the pill. She told me to shake the pill into my mouth, so I didn't have to touch it. Pretty serious stuff!

I will be radioactive for three days. There shouldn't be any major side effects. (Unfortunately, I will not experience any super powers.) I'm not supposed to hold Lincoln up by my thyroid for more than twenty minutes at a time. Since mom is here, I am going to try to limit my interaction with him, just to be on the safe side.

While we were waiting for my pill to be delivered, we went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory. I could not have shrimp again today, so we just ordered something different. Mom and I split a piece of pumpkin cheesecake for dessert. It was delicious!!

As a side note, Lincoln is doing great with bottles. He hasn't fussed at all with this transition. I guess God knew we needed something to go easy for a change. : )

Merry Christmas

from our family

to yours!

I am currently radioactive. I'm not glowing or anything-it's pretty disappointing. : ) I swallowed a pill today, which contained radioactive iodine. The thyroid is the only part of the body that absorbs iodine, so tomorrow they will be able to see how much iodine my thryoid collected. This will allow them to determine what is causing the hyperthyrodism.

After the appointment, mom and I went to half price books. I took a bunch of Keith's books and cd's. I did keep some of his things, but he just had too many for me to keep all of them. I made so much that the manager had to sign my receipt. I'm not rich or anything, but it will probably pay for the paint we need for the house.

The doctor's office is close to a Cheesecake Factory. Mom and I were planning to go. Keith and I found this amazing bacon and shrimp sandwich a while back, and mom wanted to try it. Unfortunately, the when I was getting my pill the nurse said I couldn't have shrimp or any shellfish because it could interfere with the test. Man that was a bummer!!! Don't feel too sorry for us though. We ended up eating at Pei Wei, which is pretty yummy too.

Lincoln hasn't made it in the blog much lately, so this entry is dedicated to my little man.

Lincoln decided today that he didn't want to be fed in the bouncer. He wanted to eat in the high chair. He was fussing a whole lot in the bouncer, but when I moved him to the high chair, he was fine. Lincoln is much more stable when he sits up. He can even reach down and get a toy and sit back up. The boy has "go, go Gadget arms" for all you Inspector Gadget fans out there. We are often caught off guard by what Lincoln can get his hands on! He isn't crawling yet, but he sure wants to be mobile. I on the other hand am in no hurry. Lincoln still doesn't have any teeth either. I will try my best to get a new picture of him on the blog this week.

This weekend we were busy taking down wallpaper. I have to admit that my dad did most of the work. I did help though. Our house had wallpaper in 4 rooms when we bought it. We have 1 and 1/2 rooms to go. We did rent a steamer this time. I highly recommend it if you ever have to take down wallpaper!! It was well worth $25! I can also say that I will NEVER EVER put wallpaper in my house!

Tomorrow our realtor is going to stop by and give us some suggestions on things we should do before putting the house up for sale. We've put together a list of ideas. Hopefully she won't have too many more suggestions.

I do not feel comfortable putting our address on the blog. You never know who is reading it. If you e-mail me at ksmccord@geusnet.com, I will be glad to e-mail our address to you.

I didn't get much news from the doctor. The hyperthyroidism may be due to Graves' disease or postpartum thyroiditis. If the problem is related to giving birth, most women recover on their own. If I have Graves' disease, they will probably kill my thyroid, and I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life. On Tuesday I have to go back to the doctor and take a radioactive pill. I will go back on Wednesday, and they will do a scan to see how the iodine is distributed throughout my thyroid. The results should determine whether I have Graves' disease or postpartum thyroiditis. Doesn't that sound like fun!!! Needless to say, I will no longer be able to breastfeed. I'm a bit bummed about that, but I don't want to pass any of this lovely medicine onto Lincoln.

Speaking of Lincoln, he has a mastered a new skill. He can blow bubbles out of his nose. Gross huh! The poor little guy has a cold. It isn't too bad, and he is still his happy self most of the time.

Today my big adventure was going to the bank. I opened up a checking account for Lincoln and for me. A few people have told me that want to donate money for Lincoln's college fund. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to give. Everyone has been so generous already. I am looking into setting something up, and I will post the information on the blog.

I am going to see the specialist regarding my thyroid tomorrow. They sent some paperwork a while back. I just looked at it tonight, and it said that you should call two days before your appointment to make sure that they received the reports from the scans. Oops!! Please pray that they got the reports. I have already postponed the appointment once. I am anxious to know what is going on with my thyroid and the treatment plan.

I'm afraid I don't have much to report. I went to the social security office yesterday. I have a phone appointment with someone who works for them tomorrow. I also put a call into Keith's work. His boss is trying to get me connected with the correct person in HR.

It's hard to believe that Christmas is almost here! I have only bought one present. My niece is the lucky one! It isn't going to be much of a Christmas without Keith this year. At first, I told my mom that I wanted to go somewhere that didn't hold any memories, but I think we may just stay here. (All the traveling wore Lincoln out. He is just now getting into his schedule again.) It's going to be a very simple Christmas. I don't have any decorations out. I just couldn't do it this year. Luckily Lincoln isn't old enough to know the difference.

Today we are all going to eat lunch at a friend's house. I am also planning on going to church tonight. I haven't been in weeks. That is going to be a hard step. It's not that I'm mad at God. It is hard because Keith and I always did that together. It is also difficult to see other young families. I can't help but watch dads holding their kids and think that Lincoln will never remember Keith holding him in his arms.

Lincoln actually slept through the night last night. : ) Though I woke up a few times, it was so nice to get to stay in bed instead of wrestling with a sleepy little boy.

We didn't do a whole lot today. Mom worked on the laundry and ran to the grocery store for a few things. I went and picked up the death certificates, and I managed to sneak in a little nap this afternoon.

I'm doing okay. I still don't think it has really sunk in yet. Last night I realized that I won't have anyone to say goodnight to anymore. Our bed feels so empty. I usually lay his pillow next to me, but it isn't the same. I miss so many things. I even miss his snoring because if he was snoring, it would mean that he was still here with me.

We're home. There was a great turn out for the memorial and funeral in Tennessee. I'm pretty worn out, so I'll write more in a future post.

I'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed. I feel like I could sleep for days. Lincoln did not sleep well while we were away. I never recovered from the lack of sleep during Keith's last week either. I have a feeling that a few naps will be in order this week. : )

I thought the memorial went well. I think Keith would have been pleased. Our preacher did a great job of celebrating Keith's life. Two of the Mercy Me band members sang the song "Homesick," and our worship minister sang another song that meant a lot to Keith toward the end. Though Keith and I didn't talk about what he invisioned for his memorial, I think yesterday came very close to what he would have planned himself.

The memorial wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. Afterall, we focused on celebrating Keith's life. I will be the first one to tell you that he was a great guy. The hardest part was at the end when everyone came by to give me a hug. I was touched to see the number of people who came. So many people took off work in order to attend the service.

I'm doing okay. It still doesn't feel real. Someone at church said it best-"Keith's in a better place, but you're not." I know Keith is in a better place. There is no doubt in my mind. That doesn't keep me from missing him. I constantly see things that remind me of him. Of course there are things around the house, but there are other things as well. Last night we went to get some ice cream, and I saw the peanut butter cup flavor. Keith loved chocolate and peanut butter! This morning we were watching the Today show, and someone was making a dish with scallops. Keith liked those too.

Please pray for everyone who is traveling. Pray that God will grant us strength to face the rest of the week.

We had a wonderful turn out at the visitation tonight. It is clear that Keith made an impact on many people. It is such a blessing to have the support of so many friends and family!

Please pray for us tomorrow. It is going to be a tough day.

Tennessee Plans
The visitation and funeral will be in Chapel Hill at Lawrence Funeral Home. The visitation will be on Thursday from 5-8. The funeral will be on Friday at 1.

I'm not sure how anything good can come out of what has happened to us. I know that God has a plan. I just wish He would let me in on it.Maybe one day my experience will help someone else. For that reason, I am going to try to provide glimpses into what it is like to lose a spouse.

Today is Sunday. Under normal circumstances, I would be going to church. I just can't do it today. Keith and I always went to church together. It is going to be so hard to go alone. So I will put that off for another day.

I feel numb. I feel like this is all a horrible dream. Sometimes it seems like Keith is just in the other room, and he'll walk in to the living room at any moment. I know that seems silly. Afterall, I just spent the past several days watching him die, but the person in that bed wasn't "my Keith." That person was hurting and suffering. That person barely responded to my voice or touch.

God took Keith home last night a little before 8. His parents and I were at his side. Though I miss him so much already, I know that he is loving his new home. Keith will NEVER have to deal with cancer again. He won't have to hurt. He won't have to endure chemo and radiation treatments. For that I am very grateful!

Texas
We will have a visitation at our church Sunday evening at 6:00pm. It is very important to me that your last memory of Keith be one when he was living, so the body will not be at the visitation or the memorial. The memorial will be on Monday at 2:00 pm. The information for our church is listed below.

Tennessee
The visitation and funeral will be in Chapel Hill at Lawrence Funeral Home. Arrangements are still pending. We will post the details as soon as possible.

In lieu of flowers, we are asking that you make a donation to Baylor Health Care System Foundation's melanoma fund. If you are sending a check, you can make it out to Baylor Foundation. Please write Keith's name in the memo area, so the money will go to the correct fund. You can mail the donation to:

Baylor Health Care System Foundation
3600 Gaston Ave
Suite 100
Dallas, TX 75246

You can also pay online at https://www.baylorhealth.com/forms/waystogive/bhcsfoundation.aspx

Crosspoint Fellowship
2401 Jack Finney Blvd.
Greenville, 75402

From 30
-Take the FM 1570 exit
-Turn right onto FM 1570
-The church will be on your right after you go through a light