"Uncle Joel and Aunt Rondi, you better watch out. I've been working on my Sudoku skills. I'll be ready for a challenge when I see you next!"

Fun at the park

This just might be the cheesiest grin ever. I was sitting down while Lincoln was playing. He sat down next to me and started smiling for a picture. What a funny boy!!

So, I kinda skipped over Valentine's Day. I wish I could have fast forwarded past it for a few reasons.

Reason #1-Valentine's Day Party or I guess the politically correct term is now "Friendship Party." I dread party days. The kids come to school super hyped up, and I hear the question, "When is the party?" about one million times. Though I try desperately to keep some semblance of a schedule, all those little minds can think about is the party. Truth be told, we should just have the party in the morning and then send everyone home. : )

The second reason is pretty obvious. It's hard to avoid thinking about where I'm at during a time when so many are focused on showing their love to one another. It is hard to be alone.

There are times when I am completely overwhelmed with all that is before me. There are times when I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Enough! I'm tired of paying bills and doing laundry and going to the grocery store and cleaning. I'm tired of worrying about how to balance being a good mother and a good teacher. I'm tired of worrying about all the little things that come with raising children. I'm just so tired of doing all of this alone." I find myself wishing that I could just catch a glimpse into the future. If I only knew that things would be easier one day, maybe that would help me muster up the energy to keep going. Unfortunately, God doesn't seem to work like that.

Though I'm tired of being alone, the thought of starting over scares me. I was eating lunch with some of my coworkers a while back. Somehow we got on the topic of men. I told them that I don't really have any interest in dating. I would rather just skip all that. They suggested that I look into a "mail order groom." I guess that is one way to spend Keith's life insurance money. Ha! : )

A New Gray Hair or Two

Apparently staying home was too boring for Lincoln. He decided that we should go to the doctor again today. This time we got to take some "fancy pictures" better known as x-rays. He was playing with a toy that he shouldn't have been playing with. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I came back, he had a piece of the toy in his mouth. The toy contained magnets, and the magnets were no longer in the ball, so we had a few x-rays taken. He's fine. I'm sure glad my hair is light. Maybe those new gray hairs will blend in. : )

Homebound

Lincoln and I will be hanging out at home tomorrow. He has pink eye and an ear infection. Luckily, he doesn't seem to feel too bad. That is until the time comes for the dreaded eye drops. : )

Prayer Request

Please keep my niece, Railey, in your prayers. She has been experiencing severe pain in one of her feet. In order to figure out what is bothering her, they did some bloodwork. It came back abnormal. She has been referred to a pediatric rheumatologist. Railey will be 4 in June (if I did my math right). Please keep this sweet girl and her family in your prayers.

Has it already been 21 months?

It's hard to believe that Lincoln is 21 months old. Time has flown by! I can hardly believe that in three more months, I will have a two year old.





What a Cool Dude!

It may be hard to tell from the pictures, but this boy has a very mischievous side. Yesterday I walked into the kitchen to find Lincoln standing by the fridge with a little bucket. He was filling the bucket up with water from the fridge door and dumping it on the ground.

Unbelievable

Today I opened up a piece of mail addressed to Keith. It was from Baylor. The letter states: "Baylor University Medical Center has a continuing interest in our patients. Sometimes patients relocate, change physicians, or feel so well they neglect annual physicals. We would like to take this opportunity to remind you to visit your physician and then let us know how you are doing." It goes on to ask questions about Keith's quality of life, medical/surgical treatments, etc.

Are you kidding me????

At this point, all I can do is shake my head and laugh. There was a time when that really would have bothered me. In the beginning, it was hard to see mail addressed to Keith. It was a constant reminder that he was gone. Now I'm used to it. I do believe that Baylor will be getting a phone call though.

Last month I said that I thought I was ready to be a little less candid about my emotions and feelings. I guess I thought that if I talked about it less, that I would think about it less. That hasn't worked quite as well as I had hoped. Instead, I've found myself feeling worse. As I was driving to work one day last week, I found myself thinking that maybe I am in need of counseling. I think the problem is that when I stopped blogging, I no longer had an outlet for my feelings and emotions. For me, writing has been such a healing activity. Though I have written a bit for myself this past month, it's just not the same. I guess a part of me needs to be heard. A part of me needs to know that maybe, just maybe I can help another person who is on a similar journey.

At this point, I'm not struggling with the fact that Keith died. I know without a doubt that he is in such a better place. Even if the treatments had been successful, life would not have been easy for him. He was constantly plagued with fear between his first two bouts of cancer. I don't think I ever truly understood the intensity of his fear. I think it is one of those things that you can't really understand unless you experience it. Then of course, the cancer also could have come back again. He would have had to face the grueling treatments once again. Several months before Keith died, he wrote me a letter to thank me for my support. In the letter, he said that he was fighting this for me. He said that when he was trying to muster up the courage to face another treatment, he thought about me. As much as I wish he could still be here, I could not ask him to go through all of that again.

My question is no longer, "Why did Keith have to die?" My question is, "What am I supposed to do now? How do I go on living with this huge void in my life?" As I sit here and type, I will tell you that I don't have an answer. I'm doing my best. I'm really trying to give this to God, but in the back of my head there is this voice saying, "Look where that got you." While I know whose voice that is and that I shouldn't be listening to it, it is hard to resist. It is so easy to get sucked into satan's lies. It is so easy to be consumed by fear and worry.

I've been reading A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot. In it, she says, "Faith need never ask, "But what good did this do me?" Faith already knows that everything that happens fits into a pattern for good to those who love God. . . We need never see "what good it did," or how a given trouble accomplishes anything. It is peace to leave it all with Him, asking only that He do with me anything He wants anywhere, anytime, that God may be glorified." I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not there, but it's a great place to strive for!

Adventures in Linconland

-Lincoln can be quite helpful (when he wants to be). He is pretty good to go get things for me.

-There are times when he doesn't mind being in a different room than me. For the longest time, he was always under my heels. He's gaining a little more independence.

-The boy still loves to climb.Last night while I was doing the dishes, I glanced over to see Lincoln laying on top of the kitchen table. Yesterday I also caught him standing on the rocking chair in his room.

-When I take his shoes off when we get home, he always says, "Ahhh."

-Lately when I unbuckle his carseat, he climbs out and sits down by the opposite door. He just thinks this is hilarious. Mom on the other hand doesn't think it's too funny, especially when we're running late in the mornings.

-Though we have been working on using utensils when we eat, Lincoln still prefers to shovel the food into his mouth with his hands.

-Lincoln is already working on acquiring a taste for coffee. When my mug is basically empty, he likes to drink the last little drop. He always says "mmmm."

-The boy still loves music aka "susic." I bought him a Wiggles cd, and we have to listen to it every day.

-Tonight Lincoln was snacking on some grapes while I was putting the groceries away. When he had eaten them all, he walked over to the garbage can and threw away the stem on his own. What a BIG boy!!!

Quite a Sight!

Last night Lincoln and I went to a consignment sale at one of the local churches. We went to the sale in the fall and found lots of great stuff. I was a bit disappointed in the sale this time. We did find some clothes, but not as much as I had hoped to find. We did however find several fun toys. We found a Little People airport, a Little People play yard, and some foam blocks. We also got a potty training chair. (While, neither he or I am ready to begin that fun task, I couldn't pass it up for $3.) The funny part of this story is that we managed to get all of this in one load. I brought the stroller, so the clothes were on top of the visor, and the airport was on top of the clothes. I stored the potty and the blocks in a bag that I brought from home. Lincoln held the play yard toy in his lap. Let me tell you, we were quite a sight! Too bad I didn't have my camera. : )