Yesterday was a really hard day. It wasn't one thing that sent me off. Instead, I think it was a combination of things. On our way to church, I saw someone drving a car just like Keith's car. Then in church we sang a song that was sung at Keith's memorial. I had grabbed one of Keith's bibles as we headed out the door yesterday. When I opened the bible during the sermon, I couldn't help but notice notes that Keith had made. It was all too much. I fought off tears as long as I could. I ended up having to walk out before church was over. When we got home, I lost it.

This is all so hard. Lately when I run into people, they say "you look great." I wish I felt great. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I know that I must "move on." In a way, I feel guilty for moving on. Maybe guilty isn't the right word. It's almost as if I'm erasing Keith from my life. His name isn't on the accounts, his clothes aren't in the dresser, his car isn't in the driveway. . . Soon I will be moving out of our house. It's like everything we shared is being taken away. I know I will always have memories and of course Lincoln, but sometimes that just doesn't feel like enough.

Lincoln and I had a fun filled day today. We met up with a friend of mine and helped her register. She is expecting a little boy in July, so Lincoln got to tell her what she needed to get. After that, we went to lunch and ran into Target. Then we headed home for a nap. Lincoln had his first experience with the sprinkler after dinner. (Keith's parents bought him an Elmo sprinkler that spins around.) He seemed to like it. He didn't care for getting water in his face. Everytime it squirted him, he would take in a huge gulp of air. It was pretty funny! I decided that we should go for a stroll/jog in order to help Lincoln dry off. (We got a jogging stroller last weekend.) I will say that there was way more walking than jogging. Lincoln loved being outside, and I got some much needed exercise.

I got my new usb cable yesterday. Here are a few of my favorite pictures.









We took this picture at the park. Lincoln is sitting in the swing holding on for dear life. I've got the swing pulled up high, and I'm about to let go.












We took a whole bunch of pictures in the bluebonnets. He didn't like sitting in the bluebonnets, so I had to bring him a chair to sit in. : )

I made my decision on which job to accept. I decided to go with the established school (Oaks Elementary). The other opportunity was to help open a new school. Though it sounded like a neat opportunity, I didn't feel that it was a good idea to take on the challenge of a new school at this time if I could help it. The school that I chose is also closer to my parents and Lincoln's school. (He is probably going to go to Mother's Day Out 3 days a week, and my mom will watch him the other 2 days.)

I will be teaching kindergarten. Like I said in an earlier post, I had the opportunity to meet my team in the interview. They seemed like a great group of women. I'm looking forward to working with them in the fall.


As for Lincoln, he can wave and say "bye, bye." He is working on tooth #8. He loves cars. If he doesn't have a car, he will push whatever toy he has across the floor like a car. The boy also loves spoons. It doesn't matter if it is a big spoon or a little spoon. He loves to hold them and crawl around with them. Lincoln is also eating more table food. He is actually doing a pretty good job of getting the food in his mouth. (My parents dog is enjoying Lincoln's visit. She gets to do clean up duty after Lincoln eats.) Lincoln especially loves fruit and cheese.

My interview went well today too. I have the position if I want it. Now I am faced with a decision. At this point, I feel myself leaning toward one school. It is hard because they both sound great. Please pray that God will grant me wisdom to make the best choice for Lincoln and me.

My interview went very well today. I was able to meet with the principal, assistant principal, and the kindergarten team. The interview was fairly relaxed. There was even some laughter, which is a good sign. I feel like I got a good feel for how the team interacts and how the teachers interact with the principal. I found out before I left that the job is mine if I want it. : )

I have two interviews later this week, and I will be attending a job fair on Saturday. Please pray that God will grant me wisdom to make a good choice. Pray that He will open the door that needs to be open and close any doors that need to be closed.

On another note, I have several pictures to post on the blog. Lincoln got a hold of the cable that connects the camera to the computer. It doesn't seem to work anymore. I guess I will be buying a replacement part. : )

It's been a while since I wrote about where I am in the grieving process. I thought about Keith a lot while we were away. I'm sure it had something to do with me not being so busy. More than anything, I miss his presence. After Keith died, I often found myself thinking "I can't wait to tell Keith that." A few seconds later I would remember that Keith was gone. I don't do that anymore. Instead, I feel a great void. For instance, I wished he could have been there to see Lincoln "hunt" for Easter eggs. It is hard to have special moments and not think about him and wish that he was there too.

I'm dreading the next two months. We found out Mother's Day weekend of last year that Keith's cancer was back. Talk about a holiday I don't really feel like remembering. Then there is Lincoln's birthday. How are we going to celebrate without Keith? Then in June I will turn the big 30, and Keith won't be there to harass me. Our anniversary was also in June. It's times like these when we should be making memories as a family-the three of us. Instead, it is just Lincoln and I. Yes we have family and friends around, but it just isn't the same. (If anyone has a time machine out there, let me know. I would like to skip over the months of May and June. :)

I would like to think that the hardest days are behind me, but it doesn't seem that way. In some ways, it seems like it is getting harder. Not only do I have to face days that should be special, but I also have to think about getting a job, selling the house, moving, going back to work. . . I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed to say the least. Though I know that God is going to take care of us, it is still hard.

Lincoln and I had a great time in California. He did well on the airplane. My mom traveled with us. It was nice to have her along! I can't imagine facing the airport on my own with Lincoln.

While we were in California, Lincoln got to meet some new family members. He got to spend time with great aunts and great uncles and even a second cousin. He got to meet some other family members too. One day we met up with my mom's aunt, her daughter, and her daughter's grandkids. I'm not even going to try to figure out their titles in relation to Lincoln. He sure enjoyed the attention!

We had a nice time visiting with family and relaxing. We did manage to go on a few fun adventures. We went to the park, the children's museum, and the pool. My cousin's daughter, Taylor, was brave enough to actually get in the chilly water. Lincoln didn't go swimming, but he did stick his feet in the water. He loved it! I think we will be spending quite a bit of time at the pool this summer. : ) We also managed to fit in a little shopping-surprise, surprise.

I think Lincoln's favorite thing about the whole visit was getting to climb the stairs in my Grandma's townhouse. The truth is that we spent most of the week trying to keep him away from the stairs. We even set up a barricade in order to keep him safe. On our last day I decided to let him attempt the stairs. I wish you could have seen the look on his face! He was soooo excited! After going up a few steps, he looked back at me with a sheepish grin. You could tell he was very proud of his accomplishment!

Home Again

We're back at home after spending some time in CA. Lincoln and I had a wonderful trip. I will write more when I get a chance.

The time has come for me to start applying for a job. I knew the time would come that I had to start thinking about going back to work. That doesn't make it any easier though. I have loved staying home with Lincoln this past year. I know that Lincoln will be in good hands when I return to work, but it still makes me sad that those hands won't be mine.

I know I should be grateful for the year that I was able to spend with Lincoln. Many moms don't have the opportunity to stay home at all. It's hard. I spent the past several years supporting Keith as he went back to school to get his masters in computer science. We were finally in a place where Keith had a good job, and I was going to be able to stay home. Now all that has been taken away.

I ask that you pray for me. Pray that God will grant me courage to face this next stage of life. Pray that God will grant me wisdom as I make decisions, and pray that God will lead me to a school with great teachers and a supportive principal.