Contentment
I have always struggled with being content. When I was single, I wanted to be married. When I was married, I wanted children. My struggle to be content has become even harder over the past year. As hard as it may be, I know that it is what I am called to do. Philippians 4:12-13 says, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Every so often, I go back and read over my past blog entries. Sometimes I feel like I'm reading someone else's story. In those moments, I am struck with the strength I see in that girl. How did she muster up the courage to deliver her son days after finding out her husband's cancer was back? How did she take care of a newborn and a sick spouse? How did she reach the point where she was ready to let him go? How does she manage to balance work and being a single mom? I know the answer to those questions. The strength that was displayed and continues to be displayed doesn't come from me. It is only through God's strength that I've been able to go on.As hard as it is to be reminded of the past, I think it is good. I can't help but see God's hand at work. It gives me courage to face today. . . and tomorrow.
Right now I'm struggling with how I can possibly be content. I miss being married. I miss loving someone and being loved. I miss holding someone's hand and having someone to snuggle up with on a cold night. I miss having someone to share my dreams and fears and worries with. I miss silly inside jokes. I miss so many things. At this point, I have a choice. I can focus on being sad about my situation or I can put my focus on God. He has seen me through some really hard times. You would think that I (of all people) would be able to see all that He has done for me. You would think that it would be easy for me to just hand this over to Him, but it isn't.
(I know this was hard to read. Apparently blogger was feeling a bit uncooperative when it came to spacing between paragraphs. : )
3 comments:
Hey Steph!
I am so glad you shared this tonight! Contentment is something I stuggle with! I think it is especially bad this time of year! Mostly because there is so much I want for my children and I have to learn to be content with a few gifts and not to go overboard! Some years I do really well with this and others I do really bad!
I hope God helps you find contentment and I will pray for that for you! I know things are crazy and hard but you have shown so much strength thus far and I am sure you will have the strength to find and accept the contentment only the Lord provides!
We are pryaing for you. You continue to amaze me!
Steph,
Patti & I continue to pray for you. I'm sure your blog is a blessing to many others as well. I am praying right now that Christmas Day will be a blessing to you.
I'm sure you know that contentment is something almost everyone struggles with, including the vast majority of us who have not had to deal with the kind of loss you have experienced.
Know that you are loved by many (and especially by our Father).
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