A Heavy Heart

My heart has been a bit heavy for a week or two. I wasn't really sure what was causing it. I guess I was actually doing my best to ignore it. This morning I realized that this will be the first real Christmas without Keith. (You may be thinking that isn't right because he died before Christmas last year, but to me this is the first one. I basically ignored Christmas last year. There were no decorations. There was no big meal with friends or family. I basically did my best to pretend that day didn't exist because I just couldn't deal with it.)

As I've been buying gifts for our trip to Tennessee, I've thought about the last Christmas that we spent with Keith's family. Keith had graduated with his second masters and actually had a good job. I was pregnant with Lincoln. Things looked so good. Now, two years later, I'm faced with making the trip with Lincoln alone.

It's just not supposed to be this way. I can't help but think about how much Keith would enjoy seeing Lincoln interact with his grandparents. (Since we live close to mom and dad, I've gotten to enjoy seeing the joy that Lincoln brings to my parents.) I can just picture Keith watching Lincoln ride in the wagon with Nana or the tractor with Grandfather. I can just see him grinning from ear to ear.

I'm also a little sad when I think about what Christmas will be like here. This will be the first Christmas that Lincoln will actually enjoy. Though I can't wait to see his reaction to his gifts, I can't help but wish that Keith was here to see it too. I can't help but wish that he was here to share in the excitement of seeing Lincoln's amazement to all things "Christmas." I just can't help but wish that he was here.

It's times like this when I feel very alone. Sure I have my family around, but it just isn't the same. Nothing can replace your relationship with a spouse.