An Update on Me
(Sorry about the lack of spacing between paragraphs. Blogger is being difficult this morning.)
I guess it's about time for a post about where I am in my journey. I actually started a post on June 25th. For whatever reason, I never finished it. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm busy chasing after a two year old, but more than that, I haven't wanted to stop and think about where I am. That statement alone speaks volumes for where I am. For so long, grief monopolized my thoughts. I wouldn't say that is the case anymore. These days, if I really want to assess what is going on, I find that I must sit and be still.
Overall, I'm doing well. Summer has been great. I have loved getting to spend time with Lincoln. It has been so nice to be able to "live in the moment" and not be rushed. I dread the start of those rushed school mornings-I'm not going to think about that just yet.
My biggest struggle these days is wanting to "fit in." The problem is that I don't really fit into any one category. I don't fit in with singles because I'm about five years too old, and I have a child. I don't fit in with young families because I'm missing a key ingredient-a husband. I don't fit in with widows and widowers because I'm about thirty years too young. I realize that I'm going to have to get over this. I'm trying. I've started going to a bible class with young families. Though I don't struggle as much with being around a couple or two, it is still hard to be sitting in a roomful of couples. I find myslef leaving class as soon as it is over. Then I get frustrated with myself because I know that I'll never make friends if I don't try. (Insert sigh) It's also awkward to do things with families. Do I only invite the mom and the child? Do I invite the whole family? If I just invite the mom and child, I worry about taking away from that family's time together.
I've decided to sell most of Lincoln's baby items. When I sold several items before we moved, it made me sad. In a way, I felt like getting rid of baby items meant that I was giving up on the dream of having more kids. My mentality has changed. I've come to a point where I realize that those are just things. If I come to a point where I need them again, I will just get new ones. The baby stuff gets cooler and cooler. Why would I want to be stuck with boring, old items????
In other news, apparently I've reached the point where others think I should consider dating again. It's funny because it seems to have happened all of the sudden. I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm at a place where I'm open to discussing the subject. It scares me to think about staring over. I feel that I have so much more at stake this time around. I know I have way more baggage than I did at 25, but I guess that is true of everyone.
4 comments:
Hi Stephanie,
I don't remember how I got the link to your blog, but I have been keeping up with you at least since a little before Christmas.
I'm not sure what to say. I can't imagine how difficult your life is on so many different levels. Like you say you, don't quite fit in with different groups, you love your little boy, but 24/7 gets tiresome.
I am an older lady, married, but we sold our home a couple of years ago, left St.Louis area to help our daughter and her family in California, then moved with them to Virginia. We are so blessed to be with them, and they really want us, but in our own way we don't fit in either. But we do realize how fortunate we are.
From your posts I get the impression that you also see the good side of life, its just that you've been through so much that is is difficult.
If it is okay with you I will remember you in our prayers that soon you will find a place to "fit" in.
Mary
Stephanie,
I've followed your blog for awhile now. I want you to know I'm praying for you.I really don't know what to say. I mean, I want to tell you so much but don't really know how to or where to start!I don't want to use all the cliches that Christians use, you know? But I DO know that God so loves you! I have NO idea what it is like to lose a husband!I've lost a brother and sister to cancer and I know that death either "makes" or "breaks" a family. In my families case, we were drawn closer to each other and to the Lord. Please know that there are people praying for you! One blog that I absolutely love is: audreycaroline.blogspot.com Have you heard of the christian singing group Selah? The blog is written by the wife of the bald- headed guy in the group. (Sorry.. I don't know if you know who I'm talking about!)Anyway, she has such a way of talking about the Lord. I've found her blog to be so uplifting!...They recently lost a child, and she is such an inspiration. I hope you take the time to go to their blog and read their story. I know it has helped me with my walk with Jesus. Sorry to write so much, but just know that I'm praying for you and little Lincoln!
Jen in Indiana
Stephanie,
Your blog has been a very moving experience for me, lots of memories. It seems like every step in your journey is a mirror image of one of my own. My daughter was 8 weeks old when we lost her mother, and I was 25. I remember the first time I had to put “widowed” on an application for something. I stared at it for the longest time.
I remember, too, not knowing how I fit in; really, even who I was now. Single made sense to me, and married made sense to me, but I had no idea what to do with myself in those moments after emerging from the deep darkness. I think we are communal beings and thus we are defined in relationship – husband/wife, father/mother, etc. When that’s suddenly torn away from us, I think the shock of it is so violent that we’re not even really sure who we are anymore. Truthfully, 8 years later, I still don’t know who I am now, in many ways. And I’m still dealing, daily, with how my daughter and I relate to other families (ugh, birthday parties :)
And I remember the calls to date, and I even tried a few times. I still get it a lot, and it always makes me smile. I figure, when the time is right and the person is right, I’ll know. For about 5 years I was certain I’d never date or marry again. Time has made me a bit more lonely and open, but these days I’m awfully “comfortable” with how life is right now, and desperately trying to avoid complications, hehe.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I praise God for his continuously healing touch, and I pray that he continue to bless you, and especially to uphold you. It seems to me that the pain and emptiness never really goes away (who’d want it to, really), it simply changes into a sense of disappointment, of what should have been but isn’t.
You are greatly honoring Keith -- his person, his impact on life, his memory -- through your living faithfully and authentically. Thank you for your example. God be with you!
Grace and Peace,
todd
Stephanie,
You are in my prayers and my thoughts. I read your blog regularly. I think I found it through your mom. (Lovely lady.)
I do know that folks have thought it can be time for you to date. Clearly, though, you have to be ready as well.
You could look for/find a church where maybe you can get to know some other folks who are in a more similar place in life. Or maybe just go sometimes.
We don't know each other, and I'm nowhere near your place in life, but I'd love to take you out for lunch. Or dinner, since I know school is coming up soon. We could bring Lincoln or I could hire one of my sons to babysit.
You've touched our hearts and lives. My husband reads your blog as well. God bless you.
Suanna
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