I've had some things on my mind lately, but I just haven't had time to post them. Since I'm up at 5:30 on a Sat. morning (UGH), I guess I will take advantage of this time to post what's been on my heart.

I'm not really sure where to start. I have a lot of thoughts jumbled in my head, and they seem pretty random. I guess I will start by saying that I've found myself wondering how much longer I have to be strong. I long for the days when life could be easy again. I know life is never easy, but I wish I could return to the days when my biggest problem was that Keith and I had a fight or that I had a challenging group of kids at school. (Okay, so those aren't the best examples, but it's the best that I can do this early.) The hard thing is that I don't see an end in sight. I know that I need to trust that God will deliver me from this mess. It's so hard to do that. I've been hurting for 15 months. It seems like forever.

I realized the other day that I don't really have dreams for the future. Of course I want Lincoln to grow up and be a strong Christian, but that is about it. I do have things that I wish or hope for. I hope that one day God will bring me a man who will be a good husband and a great fill-in dad for Lincoln. I hope that one day I would get to stay home with Lincoln again. I even hope that I could have more kiddos. For the most part my hopes and wishes stay as just that- hopes and wishes. I don't let them become dreams for fear that they will be taken away too. One day I found myself thinking, "I'm one day closer to heaven." In all honesty, that probably isn't a bad way to think. There is no doubt that we get far too wrapped up in this world. At the same time, I miss having dreams for the future. Though things never happened like I planned them in my head, it gave me something to look forward to. At this point, I feel like all I have to look forward to is more pain.

Last week I finally got up the courage to go to the young families bible class at church. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was a huge step for me. I haven't gone to bible class with people my age since Keith passed away. While I was in Greenville, I just skipped class alltogether. Since I've been here, I've gone with my parents. It's hard to sit in a room full of young couples. It's hard to see a husband putting his arm around his wife or a wife wispering someting to her husband. Maybe those things seem like nothing to you, but they are constant reminders of what I don't have anymore.

I've always wanted to be a mom. I was one of those girls who played with baby dolls. I loved my dolls dearly. (I can even remember their names-Alice, Catherine, Jeffery, and Nicole.) I had "baby fever" before Keith and I were even married. Though I love Lincoln, I hate the circumstances surrounding his life. There is a chance that this will be my only baby. I hate that a time that should be joyous is so full of hardship. I have really tried to enjoy Lincoln. After Keith passed away, a widow e-mailed me and said that the first two years after her husband passed away are a blur. I remember reading that and thinking I can't do that. For the most part, I haven't. I do struggle with being a little bitter. Being a single mom stinks. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done. It is harder than anything that I went through with Keith. There have been a few times when I've needed someone to watch Lincoln, and the thought ran through my mind that he is a burden. I know that sounds awful. I feel very guilty for thinking like that. There are just times when I get really overwhelmed with the fact that I'm his only parent.

I know that this has been a heavy entry. I'm not going to apologize; it's my blog afterall. I guess I just want you to know that I do experience happy moments throughout my days. If you were to look at me, you would never know that I was carrying all of this on my heart.