I guess you can consider this a continuation of the post before last. It's funny, some posts write themselves. Sometimes I can just sit down and type away. Then there are other times when I spend a few days on a post. The Mar. 30th post falls into the second category(as does this one). The truth is that I was never really satisfied with that post. I struggled and struggled with putting my feelings into words. I finally just gave up and posted it, so I could move on and post about Lincoln.

Though everything I said in the post was true, I never got to the root of the problem. I've been thinking a lot since I wrote that post. I've come to the realization that I am tired. Tired is probably an understatement. It's not that I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm just worn out by life. The past two years have been hard. I went from being excited about having a baby to having a newborn and a husband undergoing chemo treatments. I went from hoping that the chemo would work to realizing that the chemo wasn't working. I went from wanting as much time as possible with Keith to wishing that he would pass on, so that he would no longer be in pain. I went from learning to be a single mom to learning to be a single working mom.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I feel like I should be "okay" by now. Though I try to make it appear as if things are fine, if I'm being truley honest that isn't the case. I feel so far away from God right now. I feel like I've been left out in the desert. Though I know He hasn't left my side, I just don't feel his presence like I once did. It has never been harder to sit back and trust Him.

I had to opportunity to go to a Jeremy Camp concert last weekend. He lost his first wife to cancer. I will end the post with the song that he wrote shortly after she passed away:

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe