A Glimpse into Grief

I was talking to a friend the other day who has just begun the journey of grief. As I talked to her, I saw myself a year and a half ago. Though I was able to identify with her, I also felt totally and completely helpless. Seeing her hurt has given me a taste of what it is like to watch someone mourn. It STINKS! I want so much to take her hurt away, but I know that I can't.

Throughout my journey, I have tried to share things that are helpful to someone who is grieving and things that are not. Through ministering to my friend, I've discovered/remembered a few more. I guess you could say that I'm at a crossing point of sorts. I have moved past what is defined as "active grieving," but I am not so far removed that I have forgotten.

I want to start with a few verses that I found on mourning:
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven . . . a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4-5

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

I have come to the realization that we (as people) have a very difficult time seeing others hurt. The desire to cheer someone up who is sad seems to be ingrained in us. I'm not sure that is what we are called to do though. The verse in Romans says to "mourn with those who mourn." It doesn't say cheer up those who mourn. There were times that I almost felt "hounded" to get out of the house. It seemed that people thought that getting out of the house would make me less sad. The truth was that I was sad wherever I went. Let me stop here and say that I am not advocating that one should never leave the house. I am just saying that there was a time when I had no desire to leave the house. I went to church, the grocery store, and that was about it.

Now you may be asking, "How long should the person be sad?" The verse in Ecc. says for a time. It's different for everyone. I can remember someone telling me that "it was time to move on" shortly after Keith died. I know that it must be very difficult to sit and watch someone hurt for days and even months. But that person is the one who must decide. It sounds weird to say that the person decides when to stop grieving. It's not like you wake up one day and say, "Okay, I'm done grieving" It's more of a gradual process. You slowly find yourself wanting to reenter the world.

So, I've told you to let the person be sad, and I've told you to give them time, but I still haven't told you what you can do to help. I came across a really neat verse in Isaiah. "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." (66:13) As a parent, I can totally relate to this verse. When Lincoln is hurt, I don't say, "Hey, let's go to the park. It will make you feel better. You love the park." Instead, I pick him up in my arms, and I hold him until the tears are gone and he doesn't want to be held anymore. That is a true picture of comfort. I've thought of a few ways that you could provide that kind of comfort to a friend:
-Just offer to sit with them. Tell them that you would be glad to listen to them if they want to talk. (If they do want to talk, just listen. I know people are worried that they will say the wrong thing. Believe me, the best thing to say is nothing.) You can also tell them that it's okay if they don't want to talk. Maybe you could watch tv or a movie. Maybe you could just sit and read a book (to yourself) if they don't want to do that. The point is that you are blessing them with your pressence. You are showing them that you care.
-Instead of just dropping off dinner, ask if they would like you to stay and eat with them. Mealtimes are often lonely times.
-Offer to come and pick them up and drive them to church or other events. It was hard (and still is hard sometimes) for me to walk into places alone.
-Keep checking up on them. I realize that a grieving person isn't too much fun to be around. I also know that they may turn down your offers to do things. I would encourage you to keep asking though. (I'm not saying that you should pester them. If they say "no," don't try to talk them into it. But don't stop asking just because their previous answers have been "no.") When I reached the point when I was ready to "join the living" again, I found it to be really awkward. I knew that I had pushed people away, and I didn't really know how to let people know that I wanted to be social again.

I realize this is a super long post. God put it on my heart to share these thoughts. (I really tried to get out of this one. I've been dodging it for days.) Though I would prefer to just write fun posts about Lincoln and our adventures, I know that I have been called to do more. It is my prayer that someone out in "blogworld" will be blessed by what I have written.