Jealousy
In the months after Keith's death, and even during his illness, I struggled a lot with jealousy. I couldn't help but look at other families with babies Lincoln's age. I would watch the dads hold and love on their kids and wish that could have been us too. I'm not sure I can put the pain that I felt into words. Somedays it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and other days I felt a slight tug on my heart. Though I still struggle with it from time to time, it isn't near as bad as it once was.
I feel as though I've been struck in the head with the "jealousy bat" today. A family from church got positive results from a recent biopsy. My first reaction was joy. My second reaction wasn't pretty. That's right, it was jealousy. I couldn't help but wonder why we couldn't have gotten those good results as well. Honestly, I was, and still am, completely disgusted in myself for this second reaction. I hate the surge of sadness that comes over me in times like this. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!
3 comments:
I have that same reaction of jealousy hearing women are pregnant (after over two years of trying). It's a hard thing to try to get past... I'm still working on it.
What a blessing that God shows you though, and that you don't wish to remain that way! He is good!
Is it jealousy or just mourning pains for what you lost? it's not like you want to take someone else's joy, you just mourn the loss of yours. Yeah you hate it because it hurts and it twists up your mind and fractures the joy you want to feel for others... but you suffered a great loss and this is one of those loss/mourning things that shark attack like sneaks up on you and takes your breath away. It will get better. But don't feel bad because it's not a character flaw. It's just part of the process. (Don't you hate it when people say that! Even when it is TRUE!)
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