Doubting God
A friend of mine asked me if I ever doubted God's existence through all of this. I told her that I had, and she seemed a bit surprised. I guess I didn't do the best job of portraying that on my blog. Though I've tried to be honest, there are still things that I have held back. I guess this is one of them.
Keith's death completely rocked my faith. All my life I have heard "ask and you shall receive." I asked, and I asked, and I asked. I have never in my life asked for something more fervently than Keith's healing. But I didn't get what I asked for. Though I was equipped to give God the glory for healing Keith, I was not equipped for handling the fact that God chose not to answer my prayers.
I've attended church my entire life. I think we've spent plenty of time studying how God answers prayers and blesses his people. I do not think we have spent enough time in the Bible studying those who weren't so lucky. When we do read about them, we are quick to pass over the suffering and focus on the happy ending. For instance, lets consider Abraham and Sarah. They longed for a child for years and years. It is easy for us to pass over their time of waiting and focus on the fact that God did in fact bless them with a son. As I looked back at their story, I noticed something that I hadn't paid much attention to in the past. Abraham and Sarah both doubted God numerous times. (Sarah even laughed in his face.) Instead of reprimanding them for their lack of faith, God reassured them time and time again. He didn't get angry. He didn't take away his promise because they had doubts. He just stated his promise once again.
While I was working through my season of doubt, I remember people saying things like, "God is good," and "Trust in God." You know what, God didn't seem so good at the time. AND it is very hard to trust in someone who may or may not exist. I remember feeling a great sense of guilt for doubting God, but at the same time, I couldn't help it. My wall of faith had been blasted with dynamite. I couldn't put the wall back together without questioning the need for the wall in the first place.
What does my wall of faith look like these days? Well, it isn't as tall as it once was, and there are still some stones that are missing. But I haven't given up.
6 comments:
I also am a widow to melanoma. I came across your blog shortly after Keith's death, and I check on you every once in a while. Brian died in March 2008 at 35 years old. I have been inspired by your ability to pick yourself up and move forward, yet also take time to grieve. I also have seen how your faith has held strong, while also questioning what God is really doing with you. I feel the same way. It was good to read your post this morning. I just finished a book by Max Lucado, It's Not About Me. It is the first thing that has made me feel close, really close to God again after Brain's suffering and death, after asking and asking and asking and never receiving. I so often have wondered why we could not have been the family with the miracle, the ones people looked to in order to see that having faith and belief paid off. Now that it is all over, I am trying so desperately to find a purpose in all of this, and frankly a purpose for myself, left here to raise our children alone.
Thanks for sharing your feelings.
Jenni in Missouri
Receiving a no to a fervent life altering painful prayer that was given up to the Lord with the most genuine and selfless of motives to be told no IS crushing. It's real life to question and have doubts. This is not Sunday morning bible school pc hypothetical answer time. From a stranger, I'm just going to say I am so proud of you.
I second Lori and am always praying for you and Lincoln. Thank you for your candor and honesty.
~Jen
Stephanie, I admire your honesty and transparency with God and all of us. Thank you for sharing with us a glimpse of your heart and life. I am reminded of David who also had such an honesty with God. May God bless your family and hold you close. Please know that Jennie, Levi, Courtney and I are praying for you and Lincoln. We love you.
-George Cummings
Stephanie, You are an inspiration to so many of us. If you had not experienced doubts about God, you would be super human. There was a time when some would be judgmental of that and maybe there are some who still are. But until you have walked the walk.....you don't know. You are human first. God continues to love and carry us even when we doubt and it is not any big sin to doubt God. It is a path we all walk through at some time in our lives. I hurt for you often and pray for you. Thanks so much for sharing your journey....too many walk around with false faces pretending everything is wonderful when inside they are suffering. On another note, Maria loves what you sent and I can't wait to see the cute things you made for her! Elaine S.
Stephanie, It's me again. Recently I visited our church website and found that video presentations of the current lessons are there. Max has recently completed a series called Fear LESS, with LESS being the emphasis. I also enjoyed the prior series on Heaven called Finally Home. Fear LESS lessons are still free for watching. Finally Home can be downloaded to an mp3 player for $30. I would highly recommend both of them. They helped me alot. Go to www.oakhillschurchsa.org.
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